Working on Ideas

Hmmm it has been three years without a paycheck. It has been hard not working. My job was way too important to me. Really defined who I was.  And to be completely honest it was a very toxic environment for me.  Didn’t even realize this. You know when something happened I minimized it. Said to myself I will forgive quickly without actually processing what had just happened to me. Be the good little Christian girl. Then the world reveals who you really are. Just a forgiven girl who is broken trying to find her way. Then bam cancer. Then bam no job. But when you think health. It is a no brainier. God has met my needs. Yet, I struggle with the fear of not being taken care of. What is this weakness in me that doesn’t trust someone who died for me? Who has met my needs through out all this. So many emotions all wrapped up into a tangled mess. What can I say? What can I do? Reflection upon His goodness to me is a beginning. It is slow. Like trudging through 6 feet of snow with the cold wind howling at my every turn. Yet, the sun brightly shining off in the distance beckons me. To keep coming. To trudge onward. What is it about me that I cannot skip my way to the sun? It seems it is a struggle to get there. Don’t give up. Must not give up. Must keep moving. I yearn for ease of life. Hmmmm… Deep sighs!!!!

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